Choosing the Right Mate
I’m going to spend 10-12 minutes giving you a preview of what … There is a lot of material that I’ve put together for singles. Today we’re going to talk about choosing the right mate. If you realize that that’s not easy, but I’m going to help you today and you’re going to have a much better opportunity to choose the right mate because you got to know why choosing the right mate is so difficult. It is, but we’re going to make it easy.
We can help you. We know what we’re doing as far as this is concerned. We’ve helped many people choose the right mate and actually get married. It kind of was my wife’s side ministry so to speak. It kind of snuck up on us if you will, but we know what we’re doing and we can help you.
It’s critical that you know what you’re doing as you’re out there dating and looking for the person that God might have for you. By the way it’s really important to find the person that God might have for you. I would definitely not try to find the person by yourself. It’s very difficult, very difficult situation to try to do that.
I’ve been studying human behavior and why people do what they do, basically for myself but then for others as it came about for twenty years, for over twenty years. I have studied and studied and read and read and researched and done a lot of work on why people do what they do. One of the things I found is that if you can understand that we need to know what happens to us … Now I was divorced by my ex-wife and it was very, very painful.
Please, you don’t want to get married and then divorced. I was married twenty years and after twenty years, we had two children and she divorced me. I couldn’t figure out why. It came to me as kind of a surprise. I made a lot of money. We lived in a big house. It seemed to be okay, but I did have some up and downs, financial up and downs. That’s part of being in business for yourself. I wanted to find out. Was I not a good communicator? What was it that caused all these problems?
I’m going to share with you today what I’ve learned because it was not what I thought it was. It has very little to do with communication. Part of it’s communication but very little part of it. The real issue is not communication. The real issue is something different, and I’m going to share that with you because you need to know. I now know. I’m happily married to my second wife. We’ve had some difficult times, but we’ve learned. We’ve grown and that’s very key in this situation.
What I discovered after my divorce, after I was led into really trying to figure out what in the world went wrong, I discovered that it was how I was raised, how I was raised and what happened to me in those painful events of childhood that really made the difference. The reason I was attracted to my ex-wife was because I was needy. I was broken. I wanted her to heal my brokenness, to meet my needs. I was attracted to her.
What we come to find out is if you’re broken, and everybody is, so join the crowd. Then what happens is we have emotional wounds and if we have emotional wounds, we want those wounds fixed so to speak. We want those emotional wounds fixed because emotional wounds cause pain and nobody wants to be in pain. We didn’t get what we needed when we were children. Parents didn’t give us what we needed, because they didn’t know what to do about raising children. They didn’t get a license. They didn’t study. They just had kids and they did the best they could instead of just did what their parents taught them to do.
One of the things that I began to see was that because of my neediness and because of my brokenness, I really wanted my ex-wife to nurture me, to meet my needs and guess what? That’s not what she was called to do. That’s not what she was created by God to do, but I wanted that. I also wanted her to prove to me, to prove to others that I was valuable because of who she was and what she looked like and so on.
You know, if you marry a person because of what they look like, yikes, you may be in very, very serious trouble. I was. I was, for sure. I’m going to tell you why we’re all attracted to each other, you know to the people we’re attracted to, not attracted to each other. Attracted to the opposite sex and how and why we’re attracted because it’s vitally important you know that information. It’s critical as a matter of fact.
I’m going to show you that the reason for attraction is because of our brokenness, emotional wounding and our neediness. If you will give me your email, there’s much more information. You don’t have to wonder about this issue of brokenness and woundedness. I’m going to really, really be able to share with you in a much greater depth than I can do in 10-12 minutes.
Let me shock you by telling you this. That you may think you’re making a decision of who to marry or who to date. You’re really not. Your subconscious mind is choosing for you. The reason is because of that neediness and because of that brokenness. One of the things that you need to be aware of is that if you think you’re choosing, you’re really not. Your attraction comes because your subconscious mind picks up things in the other person that are attractive. Attractive for what? Meeting your needs.
What happens is, you choose a certain type of person. You know like, if you’re a very shut down type of person, you’re not going to choose another shut down type of person. Remember the old saying, opposites attract. There’s a reason for that. A very outgoing, gregarious, take up all the air in the room person is not going to get with another person just like themselves. They’re going to get with a person that’s shut down. Why? Because then they can balance each other, but the problem is two halves don’t make a whole. They make a quarter. Can you believe that?
We got to be very, very wise here in recognizing that you need to be aware. I’m going to tell you another shocker. This is a shocker. The person you choose can’t meet your needs. That’s impossible. They cannot meet your needs. You’re going to say what? Oh no! The reason is, it’s true. Why? Because … I’ve talked to many people. Let me give you a couple of examples. You’ve talked to some people too, and if you’ve been divorced like me, this may have happened to you, so what happens? You go on the honeymoon. You’re married now and you go on the honeymoon and on the honeymoon, everything changes. Have you ever met anybody that that happened to? Well I have. I’ve talked to numerous people that’s happened too.
If it didn’t happen on the honeymoon, I guarantee you it happened in the first six months. If it didn’t happen in the first six months, I guarantee you that it happened in the first year. Why is that the case? The reason that’s the case is because before the wedding, you have stars in your eyes. You’re madly in love, and so everybody puts their best foot forward. Each person puts their best foot forward. Why do they do that? Because they believe subconsciously, the believe that this person can meet their needs. That two halves will make a whole. They won’t but they believe that.
They put their best foot forward, and you know what they do? They meet the other person’s need. They are really tuned to meeting the other person’s need. The other person feels so good. It feels like, oh my gosh, this is a match made in heaven. It looks good. It smells good. It feels good. It really feels good. They keep putting their best foot forward. They get engaged, they get married, and guess what happens after they’re married? They say oh, now it’s my turn. I don’t have to meet your needs anymore. I’m going to get my needs met. They don’t have to put their best foot forward anymore. They don’t have to get this person. They don’t have to … They’re no longer believing that they’re driven to get this person into their lives in a marriage.
What they are now is they’re driven to get their needs met, and guess what? In that situation, each person is going to be disillusioned. They’re going to be looking at the situation, going oh my gosh. What have I gotten myself into? How many people do you know that have actually stated those words? Oh my gosh. It happened to me. On my second marriage, I thought that I had married a person that was not for me. Oh my gosh. It was crazy. She wasn’t my nurturer. She was tough and hard, and I was like whoa. I need to get out of this.
Well, guess what? It wasn’t because of what I thought. You may recognize then the issue. The issue is that your needs cannot be met by this person. The only way your needs can be met is by a safe group of Christian people that will help you to process the things that you felt in pain and will help you to be love, accepted and approved for the painful things that happened to you in childhood and after a while you’ll get healed, emotionally healed. We know how to do that. We’re experts at that. We put together a re-parenting program and we know what to do.
That re-parenting program has changed the lives of the people that come to our church and people that we work with and it is life-changing. You can find some more testimonies on our testimonies page about the re-parenting program. If you’ll give us your email, then we’ll send you information about the re-parenting program. It will be very, very helpful to you.
What we want to do is we want to help you, to make the best choice you can make because it is going to affect you for the rest of your life. You’re going to need to heal emotionally. Then guess what? You won’t be choosing an emotionally broken person. You’ll be choosing, and God will guide you to choose a more healed person. That’s a good thing.
I want to tell you something. That’s a good thing. My wife and I are now more healed, but that’s after fourteen years of marriage. We’ve been healing over the last five, six, seven years. It’s much better than it ever was. Why not do it beforehand? We can help you. If you are coming to us through seeing this youtube or vimeo, you need to come to our website, joystones.org and please look up choosing a mate because you will find answers and answers that will really, really, really help you.
We are here to help you. We’re here to support you. We can help you to find the right mate and then, a godly mate, a mate that’s really going to be a help mate. All we need to do is have you cooperate with us and tell us you want help. You’re single and you’re looking for a mate and you don’t want to be alone and you want to be fulfilling your call the way God has called you, but you’re going to need the man or the woman to help you like I do and so many other people have help mates that can help.
We’re excited about helping you. We know what to do. We want to help you have a great honeymoon, a great six months, a great first year, and then many years after. That means you’ll have a great marriage. Why? Because you got healed enough to make a much better choice of a mate. We’re here to help you do that. Thank you for listening and we’re ready to help. All you have to do is give us your email.